Saturday, July 29, 2006

Harmoniously Ever After...


I received an email from a friend recently: she is the same age as I am—I’ve known her for several years, in fact. But we are in very different places. She graduated from college two years ago and while she has a steady job/career, all of her time and energy as of late have gone towards finding a husband/provider of seed. The email was a simple “this is what I am doing in my life,” “Voilà, the latest gossip from people we really couldn’t give a shit about unless they are miserable and, therefore, merit discussion,” and coming from her: “this is what I am doing to find a husband (be it dating, stalking, fraud…).” Sounds like she is doing well.
Anyway, in her e-mail, she explained she has been trying out online dating services; one she particularly likes:eHarmony.com. “They have this test that asks every question you could ever imagine about life and sex and relationships—it’s proven to work. You also get a personality profile that tells you all this stuff about you.” She was very impressed by said test and said I should take it; “It freaked me out!”
Well, I was bored last night; I’ve packed up all of my DVDs and books, and I couldn’t find a movie online, so I went to eHarmony.com. I just wanted to take the test (I’m not really into dating services—or looking for anyone to date at the moment).
The test is thorough and, consequently, very long. It took longer than 30 minutes to complete, but at the end, their site gave me about 4 pages of small print psycho-analysis (a $40 value—yours free at eHarmony.com), and another 4 pages telling me about my perfect man. Unfortunately, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know (I’m a pretty self-aware person).
Now, I just wanted to take the test, I wasn’t going to sign up for anything, nor did I want to cruise their site. I just wanted to take their test, but after you take the test, they automatically match you with other eHarmony clientele. And what do you know if I didn’t have some matches. As a non-subscriber you can view their profiles, which are also…er, um thorough, and if you would like to talk to them—or if they would like to talk to you—you have to subscribe. I just wanted to take the test. But some of my matches continue to express interest in contacting me. I am not a subscriber. Sorry.
The problem with all of these “matches” wanting to talk to me: it really freaks me out. Not because these men are on a dating service, or that I don’t know them, or that one of them is 19 and looking to get married and have a family (apparently, he doesn’t mind if I already have children). It freaks me out because I am sssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not in that place. I don’t want to get married or have kids right now—hell; I don’t want to date anybody right now. I had a small panic attack while reading my matches’ profiles. I couldn’t help but feel very claustrophobic. I’m sure these guys are all very nice (they never would’ve had a chance if I was seriously seeking love), but if given the choice, my profile would not have been available to be compared to anyone else. eHarmony isn’t exactly Adultfriendfinder.com; these men are looking for serious relationships. They want to open lines of communication with me and see if we really are a “match for friendship or maybe even love!” *shudder*
I know there is no pressure for me to contact any of them—I am not able to as I am not a subscriber, but there is some kind of pressure to be, at the very least, dating right now. My therapist says that I should at least go out with more men “to practice,” if you will. I told her I’d rather practice with my vibrator. She said that’s not what she meant.
The whole experience just sorta freaked me out. That’s all.
It’s a thing—a problem, I know.
So, as you can imagine, I am a little wigged as every time I’ve opened my inbox in the last 24 hours, I’ve been greeted by a new match looking to “open lines of communication with me.”
My view of dating services is a bit closed-minded (I tend to not look to favorably on them), but this whole “freaky” experience has got me thinking: I’d like to know what all of you, my adoring fans think.



UPDATE: check out cute story in comment



20 pts for film:
“I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.”

6 Comments:

Blogger Serena said...

I just got this in my inbox (thanks Sara Eliz.):
a true story
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

12:39 AM  
Blogger Serena said...

I should say this: I've been perusing my matches for the last half hour, and these men seem very well-adjust, confident, and intelligent. They almost all have post-graduate degrees, or some kind of stable career (a couple military officers).

12:04 PM  
Blogger exMI said...

If you really don't want to hear from eharmony just add them tot he junk list and let you spam filter take them out. Or is t more like a car accidnet? YOU don't want to look but you just can't help glancing at it as you go by?

5:12 PM  
Blogger UrbanCannibal said...

Fast Times at Ridgemont High, an all time favorite (and not just because of the pool scene ;)

Points please, thanks Dollface

12:41 AM  
Blogger partygirljessica said...

I tried webdate_dot_com and it changed my mind about online dating. For the better actually, and it got me hooked!

4:05 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I've always wanted to take the test to see what it would say, but I was afraid of something like that happening.

My mom's done a couple of online dating deals. They didn't work out too well, but she did make some interesting friends (although one guy turned out to be a total jerk).

6:03 PM  

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